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鈥淚 don鈥檛 want to go to school!鈥� are words that induce worry, stress, and even frustration at times for the adults who care for children. Naturally, we look for an underlying cause of school avoidance, which at times is easily identified and at other times seems to entail concerning and sudden shifts in behavior and emotions without a reason.

Absenteeism and school avoidance are issues that have increased remarkably in recent years, which in turn profoundly impact academics. School avoidance is frustrating for parents, caregivers, and educators and is often a cycle that seems to quickly become habitual for some students. Avoiding school leads to missing work and detachment from peers, which leads to anxiety about returning to school, potentially leading to more absenteeism and school avoidance. An increase in parents鈥� working remotely from home, rising anxiety and mental health concerns, and changing attendance policies post-Covid all contribute to this concern. 

Determine a Plan for Addressing School Avoidance

Parents are faced with balancing expectations and supporting their child鈥檚 mental health, and it is hard to know when and how to best support them when faced with an upset child who doesn鈥檛 want to go to school. Educators simply cannot teach students who are not physically or emotionally present in the classroom. Addressing school avoidance requires a comprehensive intervention effort, with collaboration between parents, school administration, counselors, and educators.

Supporting students who struggle with anxiety starts with regulating ourselves as adults and approaching the student with a calm demeanor. Collaborating with parents and caregivers prior to the student鈥檚 arrival at school to discuss the plan, letting the student know when support will be available and how to access that support, and communicating this plan with classroom teachers and administrators are all important steps that can be taken to provide a consistent and supportive approach.

Acknowledge and Manage Feelings of Discomfort

Lynn Lyons, an international speaker and psychotherapist based in Concord, New Hampshire, who , states that she 鈥渦tilize[s] a strategy that focuses not on 鈥榞etting rid鈥� of thoughts, feelings, or sensations, but understanding them, at times expecting them, and learning how to manage them.鈥� Inspired by this method, I began piloting a strategy that I call 鈥淧ractice the And,鈥� to support students with anxiety or school avoidance behaviors.

It seemed logical that instead of encouraging students to avoid feelings of discomfort by removing all barriers, we would instead teach them how to identify, anticipate, and manage uncomfortable feelings. The results were surprising, given a strategy that was really just a shift in the language that we use with students. Utilizing this strategy, we saw that students who struggled with school avoidance began to come to school more willingly, improving attendance and their overall academic performance due to an increase in instructional time. They also began transferring this strategy to other anxiety-provoking settings.

Simply put, this strategy encourages students to label emotions and what they are trying to achieve, modeling that it鈥檚 OK to feel uncomfortable when others do not share those emotions. This resilience-building strategy essentially encourages students to state what they鈥檙e feeling, followed up with the word 鈥渁nd鈥� to state what they鈥檙e trying to achieve, to shift our thinking into accepting anxiety and moving forward. 

For example, if a younger student doesn鈥檛 want to come to school and is feeling worried or sad about being away from their parents, we shift away from 鈥淚t鈥檒l be fine, you鈥檒l see your parents later. Let鈥檚 get you to class so we don鈥檛 miss story time!鈥� to 鈥淵ou are feeling anxious and sad about missing your parents, and you are at school. It鈥檚 OK to have those feelings and be at school. Let鈥檚 go to the classroom together and see what the class is reading for story time.鈥� 

For older students, encouraging them to 鈥減ractice the and鈥� more independently can be a helpful tool in developing self-awareness and resiliency. For example, asking a student what they are feeling and then making an observation about feeling that way and moving forward with a first step can be a means of modeling this strategy.

School counselors and staff can model and encourage students to follow these steps to 鈥淧ractice the And鈥� when students are present at school or even when they aren鈥檛 (through phone conversations or Zoom calls):  

1. Identify the emotion (鈥淚鈥檓 feeling worried鈥�).
2. Identify the goal to achieve (鈥淚 have to present my project in class鈥�).
3. Add the word and (鈥淵ou are feeling worried and you are presenting your project鈥�).
4. Support the student in taking one small step in the environment that they are avoiding, and consider pairing that environment with a positive experience鈥攆or example, inviting a trusted adult or friend to be in the room for their presentation.
5. Acknowledge and celebrate that they faced the situation that made them uncomfortable, and remind them that feelings are temporary and that feelings are not always facts. Keep this step simple! Acknowledgment can be a note, a thumbs-up, or a positive comment about their courage and hard work.

Managing uncomfortable emotions begins with self-awareness. We must acknowledge and become aware of emotions before we can manage them effectively. Well-intentioned adults sometimes try to offer quick emotional management fixes to help distract students from uncomfortable emotions, when our efforts may be better focused on encouraging self-awareness.

When we model that it is OK to feel uncomfortable and move forward, we support resiliency skills that can help students manage these feelings in the future. Furthermore, by using distraction as a singular strategy, we are actually modeling avoidance, which can unintentionally perpetuate avoidance behaviors.

Support a Growth Mindset

This strategy complements our work with students around using a growth mindset. We teach students that our 鈥済rowth zone鈥� is achieved when we take healthy risks, challenge ourselves, and become comfortable with feeling uncomfortable. The 鈥淧ractice the And鈥� strategy helps students to shift their thinking from avoidance to self-regulation, and ultimately that leads to an increase in their confidence and resilience.

The 鈥淧ractice the And鈥� strategy also helps students learn and embrace the fact that emotions are temporary. Anxiety often feels as though it is permanent, and it鈥檚 difficult for students to see that they will ever not feel anxious. Providing regular emotional check-ins and asking how students are feeling, or asking them to name a few emotions they are feeling at the same time, is a helpful way to reinforce the idea that emotions are ever-changing states and not permanent.

There鈥檚 a sticker on the door to my office that says, 鈥淔eelings are only visitors, let them come and let them go.鈥� Embracing this mindset, as well as practicing the 鈥渁nd,鈥� can help students move through uncomfortable emotions rather than allowing those moments to take away valuable experiences.